CHAPTER 1- A BUSINESS BEGINS

                     

We look pretty innocent, huh?

I'll have to see if I can figure out why this formatting turned out weird.

I POSTED THIS TOP PART ON FACEBOOK: 

Scroll down if you've already read it.

You know those "Junie B. Jones" books about the precocious, funny, little girl who was a genius at mischief making? The one I've tried to keep my seven-year-old, Maleah, from because she doesn't need any more ideas? I, in all sincerity could write a book entitled "Maleah P. Shaner" and she would do a better job filling the role.

After all, she is my child whom, when I told her the story of the boy who cried wolf, couldn't stop laughing. That shepherd boy who kept tricking the towns people into believing there was a wolf attacking the sheep was just SO clever. I took her cute little face in my hands and as I looked into her eyes, I could see the gears turning as I tried to pull her attention to the MORAL of the story.

Well, here lies a true story I wrote last night about something that happened yesterday. This story could be the first chapter in our new book. However, instead of being a beginner’s chapter book for children, it would be comic relief for exhausted parents....and it would probably be a blog.



You know what? I am going to dust off our blog that nobody knows exists and put it on there. I hope you will read it…and dare I say, share it? Because, I stayed up way too late writing it and I don’t want that to be in vain.


Also, I’m going to tag my neighbor’s wife because her husband plays a main role in this story and I’d like them to know what the heck was happening behind the scenes (and to consider himself off the hook). And I think I will request him (Tim) as a Facebook friend because perhaps that will help them see the things we present to the fb world: the nice pictures, the funny anecdotes, the inspirational thoughts and not just the frazzled parents who are trying to not let their family destroy the neighborhood.


Will someone please let me know if it's actually funny or if I just THINK it's funny because I have been adult- deprived for too long?

YOU ARE NOW CAUGHT UP, go ahead and read on. :)

Chapter 1

A BUSINESS BEGINS

I caught sight of a snow- proofed Maleah heading out the front door. Not wanting to deal with all things cold and soaking wet, I called to her to stay inside. To this, she played the whole I-didn't-hear-you-but-I'm-suddenly-in-a-much-bigger-hurry-to-get-outside card. Not my favorite card. She disappeared and I quickly went to the door to catch her before she did what I knew she would do: get to the outskirts of the yard so she could continue to play the I-didn't-hear-you card for as long as possible.

 Aaand, I was right. On the other side of the door, I saw only a fresh set of footprints leading to the backyard. As I made my way back through the house to the glass sliding door, my brain roladexed (childhood throwback reference!) through my 'consequence' files. It was nice, actually, to have a few seconds to think and not just throw out some empty threat. I reminded my roladex to choose a punishment that would fit the crime. And just as my eyes spotted her adorable little raccoon snow hat and my mouth opened to speak, I landed on the perfect one.

"YOU HAVE TO STAY OUTSIDE. I'M NOT GOING TO LET YOU BACK IN."

 As I closed the door, I caught sight of the jackpot look on her face and heard "YES!". I felt satisfied knowing her excitement wouldn't last.

 It's kind of surprising we've never had the Department of Child and Family Services on our doorstep... I'm sure our neighbors could tell some tales...

 I figured she would want to play for about a half hour. At which point she'd want to come back in and I would calmly tell her that she had to stay outside.

I knew she had some snow stamina but man, that kid has some SNOW STAMINA. Eventually she poked her head in the door. ("Finally", I thought.)

"Mom! Our neighbor is going around with his snow machine, clearing the sidewalks and stuff. Can I help him shovel people's driveways?"

I feel nervous when she talks to neighbors...I guess it's largely because she has a way of sweetly prying her way into other people's lives in unusual ways. I diverted the crisis by telling her no, but that she could shovel our driveway.

"Okay!" And she was off.

A little child labor from my stubborn, semi-sweet snow princess seemed like a good idea.

Not long after, I heard a snow-blower, blowing a little more loudly than usual. I peeked out to see Maleah playing in a mound of snow next to the driveway with a shovel laying next to her...and there was our neighbor, just-a-snow blowing away at our driveway.

 I shook my head. Smiled. Took a deep breath.

It was dark when she came inside. I wasn't about to say, "Sorry, you didn't listen to me when you were supposed to stay inside...so, now...you have to stay outside." It would have sounded even more lame than it was going to a couple hours prior.

She began taking off her snow stuff as she casually, yet matter-of-factly stated, "Mom, on Monday when Tim and I are both available, we are going to meet and go shovel some people's driveways." Apparently she is on a first named basis with our next-door neighbor now.

 "Uh, so..did you ask him to snow blow our driveway?"

"Well, he was working on his driveway and I just asked him, 'Please? Will you please help me with my driveway?' "

"..Did you tell him I told you that you had to stay outside?"

"Yes." Great.

"Did you tell him that you were in trouble?"

"Yes." Really great.

"Did you tell him why?"

"No.. I didn't know why." ..Oh good. Wait....has she seriously not known all this time why she was in trouble?!

She continued, "When he was working on our driveway, I told him that we should shovel other people's driveways, too. I said, 'Just you and me!' and he said, 'I think it would end up being just me and me'. We talked more and he said not tonight and not tomorrow because he knows I won't be available because it'll be Sunday and we're Mormon. So, we'll do it Monday and he'll get a dollar for every house and I'll get a dollar for every house."

 And then she stood and asked what I expected her to ask because she asks it every time she comes in from playing in the snow (and in the polite way I knew she would).

"Mom, may I please have some hot chocolate?"

To which I assertively replied, "No. I'm not rewarding your behavior." (Internal dialogue: "Ha! That'll teach her...")

I stepped outside for a second to see if Tim was still outside. He was in his driveway, putting things away for the night. I didn't have shoes on so I called out and said something like, "Thank you. Sorry if Maleah conned you into clearing our driveway." And he was kind and good- natured like he always is and laughed and said something like, "Oh, she's just fine." Then I said something like, "She's pretty funny." and he said something I couldn't quite hear and then something about wishing he was more like her?" Not sure if I heard that part right.

I went back inside and went to the kitchen so I could finish working on our gourmet dinner (aka Ramen Noodles...). I asked her, "Do you really not know why you were in trouble?" She turned from me and shrugged, "No".

I cornered her, giving her my full attention. "Maleah, you know why you were in trouble, don't you."

She hid her face.

I gave her the mom voice that says, 'I-already-know-the-truth-so-you-better-confirm-or-you'll-be-in-more-trouble'. "Don't you." She peeked up at me and I gave her the face that goes with it.

The smile she tried to hide said it all.

I smiled and her shoulders dropped, revealing all defeat. "Fine....you told me to not go outside."

"Next time I say stop, stop."

"Okay." She started to walk out of the room and then turned back to me, remembering something. 

"Oh, and mom, on Monday when I go over there, will you remind me to bring my dollar?"

"Why do you need your dollar?"

"Because I told him that I would pay him a dollar if he did our driveway."

I couldn't hold back my laugh.

"What?", she hurried on, figuring I must need further assurance. "It's okay because it's just one dollar and doing this, we'll get lots of dollars!"

Humorous side note:
Earlier today we were out on a mini mother/ daughter date with Ellie (age 11) at Lee's Market to each get a donut. It was a reward since they were being obedient at Ellie's futsal game (it's like indoor soccer). It was also a way to show the boys that it is a really good idea to be obedient at futsal games (I assume you still remember what futsal is). Maleah saw a drink for 99 cents that she wanted but I told her I wasn't going to buy it. So, she asked if I would buy it if she paid me back with her dollar when we got home. I hesitated, taking a second to remember what parental route Rob and I decided to take in this situation. Ellie raised her eyebrows and looked at me "Do you really want to encourage her to go into debt?" I was more proud of Ellie for showing me I was rubbing off on her than I was annoyed at her for acting like a third parent. I denied Maleah's business proposition.

After this big snow ordeal I told Maleah it was a good thing I hadn't let her spend that dollar or she wouldn't have it to pay Tim (and we'd still have a driveway covered with snow..). She shrugged.

I wrote that last night, and now, I bring us to today. 

Rob wasn't home last night when all this occurred.

I awoke this morning to the sound of Maleah’s voice on Rob's side of the bed, excitedly telling him all about her new business plans and him laughing in response.

I heard Rob say gently, "Maleah, he was probably just teasing you."

She was confused and asked rhetorically, "How could he be teasing me when I was the one who came up with the idea?!" She paused. "So we’re going to meet on Monday after he gets home from work at 6:00.”

Rob said, “It’ll be dark by 6:00.”

I opened my eyes just in time to see her brows furrow in disgusted shock. (Writing props to Rob for helping me know how to describe that look.)

Tim, if you are reading this, you might want to start praying that it doesn’t snow tonight or tomorrow because, although it will be dark and although we will tell her to not go bug you; you can see how well she does at staying inside when she’s told.

And this, for the young 'uns:      https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rolodex

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As well as I know my child and am pretty familiar with what makes her tick…I am far from figuring out how to make her function the way that I think she should function. But that’s probably a good thing.

The sad (yet fun?) thing is that I almost didn’t even recognize the true humor value of this story because, quite frankly, this type of thing really isn’t that uncommon around here. Rob and I have three other children who definitely make their own comical/ extremely aggravating/ delightfully gratifying contributions of their own.

Have I mentioned that I love being a mom? Because even though I don’t always think so….

I really do.